This man, is the SEXIEST. MAN. ALIVE.

The replies to both of these questions are very long stories, so there is only room to answer one of them. Well, it all started when I was a young lass. I decided I was hungry so I went down to the creek behind my house. It usually has corpses and whatnot floating around, so it’s the best place to get a snack on a very cold and bitter day. As cold and bitter as a cup of hot chocolate, if the cup of hot chocolate had vinegar added to it and were placed in the refrigerator for several hours. Oh my, I’m getting off topic here. Anyhoo, there were no fresh corpses today so I decided to kill the dog instead and barbecue up some nice dogburgers. While doing that, I decided I should have sex with it first. So I did, and it was beautiful. There was candles and champagne. Boy, did that dog know how to woo the ladies. Ah, yes. I’m getting off topic again. So anyway, 9 months later, I had puppies, and then I got married to one of them. Incest is a beautiful thing. On our honeymoon in Jamaica, after I got my hair in cornrows, I killed my sweet sweet husband, and used his eyeballs as play toys for my new lover, the cat, Mrs. Fruity. YES that’s right everyone I bat for the pink team. So anyhoo, that concludes my story of how the mailman finally got a promotion.